Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and worrying. For those of you who are reading this and don't know me that well when I think and worry it gets really bad. Almost every night I've went out under the stars and stare out into the heavens wondering wishing praying at times with tears at times without. I'm longing for answers in this life that is coming to a crossroads. I want to be everything everyone needs but I'm afraid I can't pull it off. I feel lost in myself at the moment in a depression that has some happy moments but the sad often trump the happy. It's really weird because at the moment I have someone that I am falling for and I feel that it might actually work. I've cleaned my act up and I'm hoping that for the first time someone might actually like me for me but at the same time I see this and I know that in logical thought this will never happen and that kills me. I think that is the source of my depression but I cannot escape it. I've tried. Along with these nights under the stars I've been thinking what if. So many what ifs in my mind. I'm scared to death that when my best friend leaves that she isn't going to come back. I'm afraid of losing the people I love because I feel myself changing into someone that they won't like. I don't want to change into someone they hate because I've seen that happen. and it sucks. I've also found myself driving letting my heart take the wheel. I end up going south everytime and I know its destination and It won't let me tell it no. I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose everything I care about. People always leave... it has been my motto and people wonder why because it happens more often than not. but at the same time I've done the leaving and letting go that wasn't me last year. I would've done whatever I could've to hold onto people before the turning of the year. now 6 months later I don't think I give a shit half of the time. If they want to leave then they can because well I've probably done something to push them away. I always do I get to close then I push away say something stupid like "I love you" and ruin what we had. I'm self-destructive. I've realized this more and more I have a good thing going and my heart decides to mess it up.
So if it says I'm heading out to look under the stars there is a pretty good chance I could use some company even a simple text will break the heart wrenching trance I have. They really are beautiful though and seem to always point me in the way I need to go. I love them and I'm afraid if I close my eyes and let go they won't be there when I open them... now the question is who are the stars to me...